So what started all this mess? Well for one, I found an old journal my HS BFF and I used to send back and forth from 2001-2004 and while reading it, found it fun to relive those years, some good, some bad. Then I thought, I should journal during this time too so I can look back years from now and remember my life, who I was, what I went through. So, thats what I did, although I didn’t get far before a whole lot of things started to flood and fill up my mind.
I realized I had packed several emotional boxes and stored them deep in the back of the closet over the years.
But wait, how could this be? I’ve gone through therapy and healed from my past, so what the fuck is this about? I am a much more confident, motivated woman than I was 15-20 years ago, what else could I possibly need to deal with?
One of the many podcasts I listen to tackles common topics about body image, depression, emotions, alcoholism, bi polar disorder, being queer, etc. You know, light hearted stuff! So during one of the episodes it was said “you have to know who you are to know what you need/want in a relationship” Well that got me thinking about my past relationships. I’m not a fan of who I was, especially the last two.
In addition to reading/doing “The Alcohol Experiment”, I am reading “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” and while I know a lot of what that means already, what I had never done, was connect the dots in such a way that I am right now. One statement in particular resonates with me 100%….
“…this erodes their children’s sense of their own lovability and can lead to excessive caution about emotional intimacy with others.”
Whoa, if that doesn’t describe me perfectly I don’t know what does. It explains behaviors and thoughts I’ve had for so long. I often question others ability to really love me fully and I hold back emotionally. While I have the desire to be emotionally available and affectionate to my partner, I have a hard time with execution. I often think about or imagine being caring or nurturing, but I can’t seem to follow thru when it comes time. I get shy or insecure. I’m also very gun shy about making the first move on most things romantic. Whether it be the first kiss or just showing affection in general. I know I desperately want to, but it feels unnatural and awkward at times. I fear rejection because I don’t believe anyone can love me at that level for just being me.
I’ll be honest when I am with someone I love, I can be like a koala bear. Or at least I feel like I can. I don’t always do it, but I often have the urge to be physically affectionate (not talking about about sex here). Simple hand holding, random hugs, soft kisses for no reason, you get the idea. My last GF didn’t want to snuggle in bed and that was a little crushing. That’s one of my favorite things to do, be the big spoon! So the rare time I try to be me, it gets rejected.
I know that most likely when I find my person, all will fall in place, but I want to be ready. I don’t want to miss out because I haven’t worked through my hangups. I want to show the affection I know they deserve. If nothing else, I have recognized this and hopefully the next sucker, I mean partner gets the real me.
xo-mel